#061: Reflect... but not too much

In an effort to not be saccharine and boring

I’m cold in any air-conditioned room in the summer so you can imagine how I fare in the winter. I have decided not to use my humidifier this winter because I’m scared of moldy spores to be let out into the air I breath so instead, I keep a glass of water next to my bed in case I wake up parched because the air is so dry. I’ve only woken up to drink the water twice in the past month I’ve been doing this but this little routine, one that my conscious, awake self does for my hypothetical half-asleep self, makes me feel safe and regulated.

I’ve said yes to more holiday parties and events than ever because every year I’m more determined than the last to make something of the cold, to put on a good outfit and remind myself that there is so much beauty in community and gathering. I think I’ve succeeded in that because December, in all its overstimulated glory, has been beautiful and cozy and romantic.

I wanted to buy a Christmas tree so badly but with each passing day, I was reminded of how my time in New York for the holidays is so fleeting so I resorted to getting this wreath at the farmer’s market. It’s real—made of eucalyptus and fir and those little red Christmas berries I don’t know the name of. I spray it with water in a diffuser bottle twice a day to keep it from shriveling and losing its smell. This spraying routine is another one that makes me feel regulated and happy. I took my Christmas decorations out of storage and placed these lights around my windowsill and light my taper candles every night. They burn faster than I anticipated but the vibes are worth the fast turnover.

There’s a lot of emotions that come with the holiday season: joy, gratitude, grief, loneliness to name a few. It’s interesting walking around New York so late in the year and observing the energy of everyone around me. I like to think that we’re like Sims characters in our built ecosystem with the little green diamond floating over our heads—only the diamonds are a cloud of existential reflection on the year and all the varied quantifiable measures of our achievements, worthiness and subsequent ambitions for the new year. Reflection is a necessary part of growing older but it gets saccharine and boring when it’s not channeled into something bigger, like actually going out to be a better person and living out your truth.

This time last year, I made an In/Out list that went viral on Instagram that I want to revisit:

I did more of everything in my ‘In’ list, except use my iPad more, oops. In the ‘Out’ list, I successfully cut out everything except raw onion breath (I do love them in a sandwich ugh) and scrolling and revisiting the past (unfortunately, on acceptable occasion). I like making these lists more than setting actual resolutions because there is nothing more monotonous than the humdrum confines of a controlled life under the pretense of hopefulness and aspiration. Life should be spontaneous, buoyant, and, as always, romantic. And I don’t think stringent resolutions are any of those things, really.

Cutting out imposter syndrome and the dangerous illusion that everyone is perceiving me has been the single-most effective *thing* that has realigned my career and given me a newfound confidence in myself and my goals. Reflections and resolutions at this time feel counterproductive to getting what I want. Sometimes, the more I think, the less I do.

I am ever-grateful for my life and my community. This isn’t to be gloating or self-indulgent but to really just bask in pure joy and gratitude for every single one of you reading this. Putting more focus into my writing has been my biggest joy, catharsis, end goal, etc. I’m going into the new year with soooo many plans, which I’m very excited to start rolling out next month.

I openly embrace the expansiveness of all my emotions felt this year, from brutal to fucking beautiful. But that’s as much reflection as I’m going to do from now until January 1. Everything that is meant for you is already in your life; you just have to go out and find it.

By popular demand (it’s me, I’m demanding), I will most definitely make another In/Out list because they’re fun and remind me to always champion newness and cuteness.

Oh, and:

I have a few more quiet days in New York before I head back home to Seoul for the holidays! I love you all.

Laura